In the past I have seen a lot of people ask others 'why did you start a blog' or 'why do you write' when I started this blog I did not really know my overall intention, but as of right now, the answer to this for me is that I have nobody in the real world to reach out to anymore and so keeping this blog and being able to write is something that tends to keep me sane. I can basically write anything I want to on here and express my emotions without being judged by the people I know in real life.
Most people who know me may see a happy, hyper, smiley, eccentric, positive, crazy, fun, innocent girl who doesn't seem like she knows anything about the world. It's true, I cannot say that I know everything about the world, but who does? However, I know as much as I need to, probably a lot more than I let on. Although I have a tendency to be all of the adjectives above, I am not like that all of the time contrary to popular belief.
Nobody knows what goes on inside of another person do they? Does anybody even care to?
It is not a welcome feeling to feel like you are invisible. Same goes for feeling unwanted. That's what goes on inside of me half of the time.When I tell people I have no friends I am serious. 99% of the time at college outside of class I am alone. Most people my age are going shopping with their friends or going bowling or on dates with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Speaking of dates no guy has ever really looked at me- but that is a topic for another time. Introvert that I am that is more than likely a big reason.
As for family, as of the past few months my mother has been on a rampage about the insurance and how it is my fault that I have so many medical problems that require medicine. I did not ask to have type 1 diabetes or asthma, and I did not ask my doctor to put me on thyroid medication to keep it in check. But apparently having these things are making us BROKE and I am being told that I should just drop dead because it would save her money. This is not the first time where she has wished death upon me, a lot of the time she just says that I was the biggest mistake that she has ever made.
I have been applying for jobs so I can give her the money for my medication but nobody seems to want a 21 year old with no experience. In my moms world taking 12 credit hours in college isn't enough and it would be better if I just got a job and got out of her face. Even better yet, if I just moved out of her house. (like I could afford to do that right now.) By the way it is HER HOUSE, she is so proud that she bought it that she throws it in my face all of the time and takes a lot of things that I need, because they are in HER HOUSE, things such as printer ink which I kind of need for my college papers so I don't FAIL, but she has the right to take them.
I am trying my best to look for a way out of here but I am starting to doubt that is ever going to happen. I doubt I will ever be financially stable enough where I can book a plane ticket and an apartment and get the hell out of here. I saw an audition for a movie in Michigan last night and told my mom that I was going to apply. She told me that I would never make it as an actor and that I should just give up. The only job I could ever do is something at the hospital she works at because I am a useless person and no other job would ever hire me because I have absolutely no talent. After my last three auditions I am starting to think that is true.
The other night when I went to bed at 3 am my mom literally pushed me out of bed at 4 because she could have sworn that I woke her up which was bullshit. She then proceeded to rip my blanket in half. This behavior sounds like she might be an alcoholic but she is not. This is just the way she has always been, though she does tell me that she should start drinking all of the time after what I put her through 24/7.
My mother is one of the reasons as to why I think I may have depression. Her along with every other member of my family and the people who made my life hell all throughout middle school and high school. Sometimes I go to bed at night hoping that I die. When I wake up I sometimes wonder why I am still alive. I have attempted suicide 3 times, once in middle school by jumping off our house roof (yes, that was silly, it was only 5 inches or so to the ground) the other 2 times by swallowing sleeping pills. I have only told two people this; my mom who thought I was lying and just says whatever whenever I bring it up (which has only been twice) my dad who slapped me and only said that I shouldn't tell anyone else this or they will lock me in a nut house. I told my mom the other day that I have no intentions of living anymore, she told me that I should have fun trying to kill myself because she wasn't going to stop me. I think my mom thinks that I am only saying this for attention, in the past that may have been true because yeah, I really don't get any attention at home, I am ignored a lot of the time, ditto when it comes to college. However lately I have been in this depressed mode where I am thinking who would miss me if I was gone? Nobody. Nobody even knows who I am and the ones that do surely don't care if I exist or not.
But I have decided that I am not going to let this world destroy me, the world cannot have my body yet, it doesn't deserve it. If I were to kill myself then it just means that these people won and I have too much pride to let anyone win in that way. I have read multiple times that there is someone out there who cares, maybe I don't know who it is but I would like to think that there is someone.
If you are like me and are currently having sad thoughts or have had some in the past, just know that we can make it. There is nothing wrong with us. We are human and we deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. If we are gone so is our future- obvious yes, but it does make sense. All of us wear a mask to hide our true identity, but one day I would like to believe that our masks will not be needed anymore.
Now I am just rambling, so I think this would be a great place to stop.
This quote has had a strange impact of me ever since I read the book. Thank you George R.R. Martin.