Thursday, April 3, 2014

I Am Apparently Not Blogging This

It is now officially 1:40 am here in Michigan. Which means that it is the most perfect and excellent time to call random people up in the dead of night and scream at them about their non-existent pregnancies!

My phone rang and considering that it was such an ABSURD time I thought that maybe one of my families houses was on fire. Or someone died. Or someone got beaten up by a hobo with a club sandwich. Basically I don't know what's going on but it must be pretty important to telephone my household at 1:30 in the morning.

However, that was not the case at all! I got to have a wonderful conversation with Billy Son Man Jr about how I am a complete prostitute! I bet the ladies of the street in Les Mis didn't have to go through this telephone nonsense!

Here is how this conversation went;

Me (half asleep): Hello?
Me: Whaaat?
Billy Son Man Jr: You heard me you slutbag ho! What'd I keep reminding you of when we got engaged? PROTECTION. PROTECTION. PROTECTION. You can't go sleeping with others unless I approve of the intimacy! And ta hell if I'm the father! I ALWAYS use our fave protection!
Me: A life vest? (Hahahaha. Hooray for bad jokes at 1:30 in the morning!) 
Me: No. You called the wrong number. However I did appreciate listening to your tyrannical ranting on this fine evening. Thank you. You have just given me something to blog about.
Me: 0_0 Not on my waaaaatch. Goodbye! (hangs up phone.)

Didn't he seem like such a nice fellow? So nice that I even gave him a name. I weep real life tears for you Tasha. There is so much wrong with this, and that makes the entire thing hilarious. I kind of wish I would have said yes to being Tasha's roommate. I bet Billy had some words for her as well! I'm quite positive that I will get to see this guys face one day for he and Tasha are destined for a future episode of Maury.

Monday, March 31, 2014

This Week Has Sucked

Majorly. I recommend that it ends now.

I think any day of the week where I get insulted by my own family members is a week that needs to end. My aunt had her birthday party yesterday. Please  take note that I never technically got an invite to this party. With any family gathering I am always invited through my mom. Nobody ever calls and tells me about these gatherings. I always find out about these things because my mom tells me. Although everyone was super calm during the party, the calm part ended about halfway into eating the cake.

My grandmother kept making a whole bunch of homophobic comments and was saying incredibly stupid and uninformed things like how she's glad that those bastards in congress didn't pass the bill so those gays can't marry in our state of Michigan. Alright grandmother, that's not what is going on what so ever. Time for you to actually read a newspaper instead of relying on what BBC America tells you. I basically told her this and obviously that was a mistake on my part for my entire family decided to gang up on me saying that the only reason I would defend "those PEOPLE" is because I was gay myself. Now I'm not gay (and even if I was would it really be that big of a deal?) but I do have some gay friends and feel that they would not take kindly to being called THOSE PEOPLE. They are not slaves, they are human beings and deserve to be treated as such and not called names just because they prefer one sex romantically over the other. Ignorant little heathens my family are.

After that conversation ended my cousin thought it would be super fun to tell us about how she dropped her $600 cell phone but is planning to get a new one tomorrow. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!? Who drops a $600 cell phone?!?!? How does one drop a $600 cell phone? Who can even afford a $600 cell phone? That's so freaking stupid! Her excuse for dropping her cell phone was that she had some coffee in her hand along with her 4 year old daughter who can walk and she had to decide which one she had to drop. I'm sorry but was your plastic cup filled with black coffee from the gas station really more expensive than a $600 cell phone?!?!? I think not!!! And then, then her boyfriend is buying her ANOTHER FREAKING CELL PHONE. This is such bullshit! If you can't take care of the first $600 phone then you sure as hell don't need another one! I don't care if this guy is your lifelong soul companion or whatever it is they are calling it these days, you treat him horribly and yet he is kind enough to ask you to MARRY HIM. And you want to have another child, but with him this time! Oh and is he aware that you were still dating your now deceased boyfriend while also dating him? Because I don't think he is aware of that and if he is then that is very sad.

Oh and Ms. Cousin Face thought that on her mothers birthday would be an acceptable time to discuss her summer wedding plans. Apparently it is going to be a country themed wedding, because of course it is. Nothing says country to me liked girls who wear $52 eyeshadow and carry Louis Vuitton purses and listen to Lil Bow Wow J Dawg Tiger Dude. And here is what tickles my fancy, everyone is required to bring a date. REQUIRED to bring a date or no entry. Because that's a sure fire way to get people swarming for an invitation! When's the last time I had a date? That's right, NEVER. So I guess I won't be allowed to attend.

I can actually see either her or my aunt getting super drunk during this wedding and looking like Cinderella in this gif. And if I miraculously find a date I will be recording all of it for "research." MWAHAHAHAHA.
Oh and then she showed us all her Pinterest board which was titled "Somuday." Dear God, why does everyone enjoy screwing with the English language so much? SomUday. Sounds like "Som mooooo day" as if a cow wrote it. With a keyboard!!! As opposed to a typewriter or notepad!
Freaking Pinterest. I'm stalking hers right now and this is what SomUday has on it;
- Turquoise, neon green, and coral wedding jewelery to go with a WHITE DRESS. Ain't nobody got time for classy matching!
- The ring she wants. She already has a ring so I'm confused by this. But the ring is 'george!' Yeah, George, not gorge. THEY AREN'T EVEN TRYING ANYMORE!!!!!!!
- A must have 1st dance photo. FRAMED.
- "Simps but ele centerpiece." You can write centerpiece but simple and elegant are words that are too complicated to write. Get out of town!
- Lots of 'prits ides!" I DON'T EVEN KNOW!
- "Maps from where you got engaged, where you got married, and where you went on your honeymoon... SO adorable!" Whaaat? Unless you develop some kind of brain tumor this is not needed! And also not SO adorable! You want to know what's adorable? NOT THIS.
- "Wheelbarrow wagon." If anyone can explain what this is to me I will send you a cupcake, no charge.

Honestly that's all I can read. My cousin has been the biggest pain in the ass to me ever since she started hanging out with the kids in my class who made my daily life a living hell  in high school after she already graduated about 5 years ahead of them. She is the basic epitome of the type of person I cannot stand. I understand that we are family and we should never talk about our dislike for each other to the outside world. Family problems should stay within the family, blah blah blah.  But shouldn't there also be a few rules as to what family members shouldn't do so they don't end up hating each other and never speaking to one another again? Here are a few things I came up with; 

What NOT To Do If You Want To Be A Good Cousin/Sister/Brother/Person etc.

1. Make rude and inconsiderate remarks that could stick with a person for years to come.
2. Hang out with the people who bullied a family member since 7th grade
3. Flirt with family members stupid small little crushes. This can make the stupid small little crush ask the crushing family member for their cousins number. And ask if the cousin is dating anyone. And then she will be extremely hurt. 
4. Tell an already depressed family member to go kill themselves
5. Lay a hand on a family member just because they don't care for a certain celebrity
6. Rip up a family members book because "Reading is for losers" and because "Only losers read." 
7. Tear down a family members self worth every time you see them. 
8. If a family member is having a good day, make sure to make it even better by calling said family member ugly and remind them that they will never be as good as you and will never be loved.
9. Push your family member off a bike and then laugh when she starts bleeding out of both her knees and elbow. 
10. Push your 2 year old cousin down the street in a stroller, 'accidently' smash her/his face into the sidewalk, laugh, but then tell your grandparents about how you ran home as fast as you could so you look like a freaking hero.
11. Make fun of your family member in front of your friends and also tell secrets about them. Bonus points if said friend has a brother (or sister) in the lame family members class.  Extreme bonus points if said brother/sister also hates the family member and will use everything they can to hurt the person in a public setting.
12. Try to drown your family member! Put their head under water and hope they don't come up for air! Who cares if you are 15 years old, this is completely acceptable behavior!
13. Tell people at your workplace to eff off. But because you are obviously better than your employees they will laugh at this comment and won't report you. 
14. And even if they did report you, who cares? You're sleeping with the boss anyways!
15. Big surprise! Boss man and you will have a kid and during your entire pregnancy you will be hormonal as hell which means you can be even meaner than usual and get away with it. Not like there's much you didn't get away with saying beforehand.
16. Name your kid after one of the most famous classic movie characters of all time and then when someone comments on the movie, scream at them and tell them; "I NEVER SAW THE MOVIE AND I DON'T PLAN TO! MY DAUGHTER IS NAMED AFTER A HOT (MEDIOCRE) ACTRESS!" X_X
17. Start dating three different guys while you're also canoodling with the father of your child.
18. Father of your child dies before he finds out about this. Gives you all his money, because of course he does.
19. Make sure your daughter makes stupid remarks just like you and swears by the age of 2! Also, no Disney princesses. We can't have the daughter liking princesses or classic Disney. God forbid!
20. Being pretentious. We have time for that!
21. Laugh and make fun of everything a certain family member is into. Your opinion matters.
22. Talk about a family member and make fun of them with your mother--- texting style! 
23. Go to your fathers funeral, inherit his money, tell the dead father and his family that you hate them. Leave. 

You know, I actually used to admire this cousin of mine. But ever since I was in 2nd grade I realized that this girl is not a very great person to look up to. I swear if she wasn't  pretty or rich she would NEVER be able to get away with half the things she does or says. But because much of society tends to overlook peoples personalities in favor of how a person looks on the outside, she can do or say whatever she wants. Not fair what so ever, but life has never been known to be fair. My mom says that I'm jealous of her, which is not necessarily true. If anything I pity her. She has never really had to work a day in her life and the one time she does get a job, she get's a child out of it along with thousands of dollars. She has also had about a hundred boyfriends in her life (some at multiple times!) But who cares if she's dating another guy at the same time she is dating her fiance? She get's a wedding! And a dress! And cake! What do I get? Just another true story to post about on my blog.

But I guess I am kind of happy for her to some extent. It is going to be her wedding day and the guy does seem to like her a lot. I really don't have any plans to ruin the most magical day of her life when the time comes, that would be a terrible thing to do and I do not want to be a terrible person. Unless she tries to drown me again, then I may be a terrible person and pull a Memoirs of a Geisha and color on her dress. =P

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Once Again, This is Not Okay

I was just on Tumblr a few minutes ago (I'm a new Tumblrererererer!) and this somehow surfaced on my Tumblr wall; 

Now, this is not okay. People would probably miss whoever wrote this but we can't be 100% sure for we more than likely do not know this person. However, this person needs to know that someone is there for them and they need to know that there is someone out there who doesn't want them to leave this life just yet, even if that person is just a person who came upon this on the Internet.
However, instead of helping this person or communicating with the person who wrote this or sending a message on Tumblr to this person saying "I'm here if you want to talk" someone decided that it would be a tremendous idea to victim blame and reblog it 1,000 times. Shaming someone for their suicidal thoughts is not the way to go. I am not for victim blaming or yelling at someone who has these thoughts and you can very well understand that from the first time I read a stupid response like this which I commented about on this very blog;

Here's the response towards the person who is contemplating this;

Fuck this post
Fuck this post so much.
You want a “Why not?”
How about the way your best friend’s older sister will throw up by the side of the road because she’s crying so hard (Here we go...)
How about the way your best friend will sob for weeks in her showers, in her bedroom, in the bathroom at school (If this person was really a 'best friend' then they should have realized what was going on before this happened. Usually a suicidal person will confront someone before attempting, 40% of the time they will talk to their best friend if they have one. 52% of suicidal people don't have a best friend or even a friend for that matter.)
How about the way your mother will cry every time she looks at herself in the mirror and pictures herself bringing you home (Friiiiick)
How about the way your father’s eyes will NEVER stop mirroring the image of your hanging body (That is a complete abstraction! Maybe this person didn't hang themselves. Maybe they jumped in front of a car or off of the Golden Gate Bridge. Not everyone who leaves this earth does so with a noose around the neck.) 
How about the way your boyfriend will sit in his room in silence, unable to eat or sleep, or even to fucking shower, because why would he want to continue without you (But what if this person doesn't HAVE  a boyfriend? AHHH. This is only getting incredibly more insulting by the minute.) 
How about the way the girl who called you a brother will start crying every time she sees your parents (The girl who called you a brother? How can this be if said person was a GIRL? In that case they would be a sister, not a brother. You see, I can assume random things too.) 
How about the way your family will sit in your house after the funeral looking blankly at one another, because god knows they can’t find a fucking thing to say that doesn’t just float through the air where you should be walking (How about we STOP trying to make this suicidal person feel guilty for thinking badly about themselves by posting stupid things like this. This sentence just made me think about how someone could become Casper and that is the most terrifying thing I've come up with while reading this. ) 
How about the way your sister will wake up every morning and see your door and convince herself that you could still be there, just sleeping in your bed (This person IS Casper! This is starting to get scary. Imagine the 'sister' going into the dead persons room and they just pop out of the bed and yell SURPRISE! Scarred for life little sister would be.) 
How about the way your ex girlfriend will come over and pull your clothes from the drawers and cry while she holds them desperately to her face to breathe in what’s left of you (This person has a girlfriend and a boyfriend? Um. I don't think society finds that acceptable. Some people can't get either.) 
Don’t you dare tell me it won’t change things
There may be stars in the sky and wind in the air and sun in the clouds
But without you we do not want them
(Hold up a minute. You cannot get rid of the stars or the sky or the wind or the air or the clouds just because you don't want them. Science doesn't work like that.) 
Don’t you dare be selfish enough to believe you aren’t important to us (Who is 'us' and calling a person selfish will more than likely not change their mind. It may actually hurt them even more than they are already hurting. Way to go.) 
So fuck this post
and fuck this romanticism of suicide
and fuck you for leaving my sister to cry in her room when she thinks nobody can hear (What?!?!? I did no such thing! I do believe you may want to talk this problem out with your sister .,stop going on the Internet and writing stupid things like this!) 

No. This is unacceptable. The person who wrote those words in the black box wrote them in hopes that someone would listen and be there for him or her and placed her words on the Internet in hopes that someone, anyone, would listen. But instead they get a response like this with a whole bunch of other people backing  the comment up saying the way this person is feeling is BS. That's not okay and it really makes me mad. Don't write stuff like this. Don't make up  stupid assumptions and write them down in a story like format and think that it will help the person reconsider their feelings, because it won't. In most cases tough love also does not work. So how about we stop with the madness and the romanticizing of stupid suicide scenario things based on the fact that it doesn't help! I am very passionate about this subject and am sick of reading stupid things like this. 

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Unexpected Things Happen At Auditions

Well yesterday was super fantastic fun!
I went to an audition for a musical and ended up getting my nose broken!
Well not broken exactly, more like spouts of blood came oozing out of my nose after a 6'5 guy punched it with his fists stretched outward during a dance sequence. I am 5'0. Bad idea to put a 6'5 guy next to a 5'0 girl during a dance with twists and jazz hands and punchy fists!

Now this was a new theatre to me and I never auditioned there before so I wanted to make a good impression and I'm almost POSITIVE that did not make a good impression. And the guy didn't even say he was sorry! Jerk. Instead he was all "Haha, oops!" Yeah, guess what dude? I'm going to oops your face and twist it up horribly in a non-happy manner and it will be twisted so bad that your mother won't even recognize you. And when people ask what happened you can say "I accidentally made this girl at an audition bleed and she didn't take kindly to that so she oops'd up my face! Haha OOPS! " Oops indeed. But instead of killing this guy I decided to keep on dancing like nothing was wrong.

They dance ended about a minute after that happened, but I guess I wasn't doing a very good job of holding my nose in pain whilst trying to boogie down like the rest of the people for the director asked me what was up as soon as the dance ended. Some people came up to me and asked if I was alright but a lot of them just stood back and they really could have cared less. One older lady even took me to the bathroom and gave me instructions as to what I should do so I don't lose my nose via Voldemort style. I put ice on my nose as soon as I got home, for that was her instruction and honestly it did seem to help and I owe her a great deal and I thank her lots and give her hugs and gummy bears for being so awesome.

But I give myself credit, I didn't stop dancing and I kept up with them all. Bwahahahaha. But it seems that dancing through the pain didn't matter to the people because I wasn't cast. Friiiick. What makes it even worse is that the guy who caused my suffering WAS. What is up with that? Not cool casting people! Not cool in the least!

Still, you know what is cool? Going to a musical and throwing a bowling bowl at the guy who swelled up my nose then possibly being banned from the theatre for life! I probably won't do that, but the thought has obviously crossed my mind more than once.

Overall it is a pretty funny story to tell people though. "Yeah, I auditioned for this musical and I thought I was doing really well until some guy punched me in the nose and I started bleeding. And I wasn't even cast."

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Let's Talk About Today

Today was absolutely and utterly agonizing.

I woke up at 7 this morning to find out that my blood sugar was 36 so I had to get out of my bed and go pour myself some orange juice and watch bad music television to keep myself awake. I fell back asleep at 8 then got up at 11 to start getting ready for the terrible day that would come to be.

And just to get this rant out of the way, my blood sugar has been low all day today which means I've had to drink about 80,000 gallons of juice. Most people tend to adore orange juice but I am getting exceedingly tired of drinking it! I know there is some person out there who is thinking right now "Why doesn't she just have M&Ms to get her sugars up?" and to that person I must kindly say that you do not know what you are talking about. Juice helps me, candy does not. The more you know.

I was going to an acting audition today for my college and was totally prepared for it. It's a play about murder and crazy murder plays are usually super fun! I've done stuff like this in the past and let me tell you something about horror plays, they never get boring or old. I actually decided on wearing a pink dress and black leggings to the audition to try and stand out, and I thought I looked very nice so that's always a plus. Lord knows I hardly ever feel like I look nice. But apparently if I feel good about myself something bad has to happen. Those are the forever unwritten rules for my life!

So I go inside the theatre and say hello to everyone and after five minutes I step outside again. Why? Because the younger generation of misfits who call themselves directors and stage managers would not allow me to audition or even read from the script as a stand in. I am giving them the biggest thumbs down right now as I type this. I couldn't audition because, and I quote;

"We already have the two girls we want for the parts picked out. I cast them yesterday. We aren't gender swapping in this play. Better luck next time. Bye."

(I'm sure my face resembled this guy's during that lovely lecture of importance.)

Did they for real in reality just tell me that I couldn't audition because I'm a girl? Because all the girl parts have been cast already despite the fact that the auditions were scheduled for TWO DAYS? Because there's no gender swapping in this play? I think there's a law against such idiocy somewhere out there in lawyer world! To the neanderthals who are running this little play; if I do some digging and find some information based on how bogus you are when it comes to organizing this thing you are going to look foolish and that will be your own fault entirely. You completely wasted my time and made me angry. A person is not to do both of those things within the same hour, especially when it involves me! It is also not recommended to make a huge scene out of your wrongness and sexism in front of five other guys.

About two hours later these people posted the cast list. It came as no surprise that the two girls who were cast were the "directors" girlfriend and the girlfriends best friend. Because that is totally not playing favorites or anything!!! Ugh! Maybe should get a boyfriend who's a director. Then maybe I'll get a lead in a freaking play, or at least be cast in one! When people do stuff like this it infuriates me beyond reason. Yes, life can be unfair but this is total BS and I just want things like this to stop happening in the world. It's stupid and mean and completely ridiculous and uncalled for. It's not like this was a SAG production. It's a play written by a former student and put on/casted by a younger generation of simple minded imbeciles!!!

About an hour later my mom came home to tell me that her and my grandmother will be going on a bus trip for work to Indiana on April 11th, which is the day my birthday happens to fall on. She kept yelling at me about how this would be a good opportunity to explore the world. Yes. Because I wish to go to Indiana on my birthday and sit in a hotel room by myself after riding on a bus with some old lady's for two hours. For the record, these old lady's are my dads friends and they just so happen to exist to purely irritate me beyond belief. These are the types of questions they ask me every time I'm in the same room with them;
"Are you done with college yet?" (Yes.)
"What are you going to do noooowww?" (Jump out of this bus and hope I don't break my leg whilst doing so.)
"Who's the former guy in your life?" (To have a former guy you would have to have an old-former guy and yeah, none of that's ever happened so this question only makes me want to vomit on your face.) 
"When are you going to start working with us?" (When are you going to LEAVE ME BE?!?!?) 

So I'm not going. No way. I'd rather be alone on my birthday and cry tears of sadness than ever be on a bus for one minute with these people. But at least my mother had the decency to inform me beforehand on how my birthday this year was going to play out.

And then there's tomorrow.

But who knows? Maybe because today went so badly tomorrow will be the only Valentine's Day where I don't accidentally hurt myself!

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Super Bowl 2014 Recap

  • Martin Sheen and some other peeps read the Declaration of Independence before the Super Bowl because as we are all aware, a 200+ year old document is TOTALLY related to football.
  • Queen Latifah sang America The Beautiful, not our National Anthem. Please get this straight American citizens. Why they chose Queen Latifah is something I shall ponder on another day.
  • Renee Fleming was amazing as she always is and rocked our National Anthem.
  • FOOTBALL TIME. RAWR. FOOTBALL! Because all football fans say RAWR. It's a thing. 
  • Incase you are like me and only learned yesterday who was playing, it is the Broncos vs. the Seahawks. The Seahawks are the ones with this guy on the team. Take note, he was a communications major.
  • I think this calls for a life lesson, if you can believe anything is possible! Just look how well this man communicates!
  • Coin toss. Some past quarterback guy is flipping the coin. You would think if he was a quarterback once upon a time he would be able to afford his own coat and not have to borrow his wife's. He also messed up the coin toss. Way to go furry coat guy. 
  • Car commercial.
  • Car commercial.
  • Car commercial.
  • Stephen Colbert will never convince me to buy pistachios.
  • A car commercial featuring people slow clapping for some reason.
  • M&M commercial. I kind of liked this one.
  • Coca Cola commercial. It made me mad but not so much that I will tell people to start speaking American. No matter what Twitter tells you, American is not a language.
  • Halftime Show. Bruno Mars man, stop trying to be Phil Collins! I dislike this band greatly. Some of their songs are ok but none of them are worthy of my ipod. Red Hot Chili Peppers could have sang something better than Give It All Away. Next year I want to see Fleetwood Mac. Make it happen.
  • Seinfeld reunion! 
  • Jaguar commercial with Tom Hiddleson. Tom Hiddleson is the best.
  • Downton Abbey time. I don't understand anything that's going on. Something involving touchdowns and how the Broncos are doing poorly.
  • Puppy commercial! EEEEEEEK! The horsey and the puppy are friiieeendddssss!!! I don't even drink beer but the adorable level was completely not ok. 
  • Oikos yogurt commercial with the three men from the Full House cast. I didn't see the commercial when it aired but saw it beforehand so if this does not go with the timeline I apologize. For the record, I don't like Oikos yogurt and I really REALLY don't like Full House. The only reason any person should like Full House is because it gives them a reason to laugh at how unbelievably ludicrous it is. 
  • "Great game right?" NO. Most predictable game ever. As in the Seahawks played like Gryffindor’s while the Broncos played like Hufflepuffs.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

I Could Have Been British!

Oh the things one get's to learn each day.

Today I found out that I could have been British! My mom told me a long time ago that she lived in England for three years five years after she graduated high school. Pretty cool right? Now here's the not so cool part, she was dating a guy and he asked her to marry him but considering she was like 23 years old (only a year older than me) she said no and lost all contact with him. But if they did marry then I probably would not have been born so I guess it's for the best, right?

But let's pretend that I was born and this British guy was my father and my mom got a spouse visa and all that, that would make me British! That would make so much sense! If I was British I could drink tea everyday and eat scones and it would be socially acceptable to read Shakespeare and speak to the kind folks at the local cafe about the latest Downton Abbey episode. 

Then we would all go chimney dancing with penguins into the moonlight.
...Or not. 

Hooray for stereotyping! =P 
No worries though. I'm an American and I drink about a zillion gallons of tea a week and absolutely love Downton Abbey and think Kate Middleton is fabulous. But I am aware that every single person in England may not like or do that! 

 But I am proud to be an American, just not Bruce Springsteen proud. Actually, I'm still waiting for the day when we find out Springsteen was actually born in Canada.

That's my story for the day. Happy January 22nd!!!