So today as I wrote a few posts back, I had to sing in front of my entire music class. I have been practicing all week for this and last night I really worked excessively on my pitch and breathing. This morning I drank a ton of water and practiced again in the car on the way to college and even sat in the car and practiced until 9:00 (because my first class does not start until 10:00 and I had to go print stuff off at the library.) Overall I knew I had it but of course I still felt the nerves, which were evident when I was talking so much during my Shakespeare class when we were supposed to be watching Julius Caesar. I learned during Sweeney that talking a ton is something that I do when I am really nervous.
Obviously my nerves did no subside when I got to music class either because I was talking there too before a single person got up to sing and I kept asking questions- good questions, by the way. Our teacher asked for volunteers first; 2 guys and then a girl went up there to sing. I thought "Okay, might as well get this over with" so I went up 4th, introduced myself, and then started singing. I sang about 8 words before I broke down and started crying. I couldn't remember the damn words! Yeah, excuses, excuses, but this is not the first time I have broke down or have had a panic attack when it comes to singing in front of people (high school choir- everyone was told we had to sing in front of the class individually or we fail, I went to the teacher, broke down and started crying, told her I for the life of me couldn't do it, and I ended up doing it anyways but not as good as I would have liked) For the life of me I will never understand why! People don't bother me, people don't make me nervous, I do theatre, so what on earth is my problem? I don't know, but I need to find out before I start fainting and hyperventilating instead of crying.
But anyways I started crying, the accompanist stopped playing the piano as I buried my face in my hands, and told me that "It will be fine sweetie." My teacher just asked if I needed, the book. LOL. NO! I HAVE THIS THING MEMORIZED! The little voice inside my head was saying. But I did end up using the book, if you used it then you were marked down some points but I did not even care about points at that point. I ended up singing, though not as great as I practiced, in fact it didn't even sound anything like I practiced, it is actually quite hard to sing when you are holding back your emotions. But I did it. I sang the bloody class song. Granted, I know that I did not do my best but I finished the damn thing. The other students were very supportive as well, one of the girls sitting next to me continued to say how well I did. She may have been lying but in this case I will forgive her.
Our teacher asked us when everyone was finished how we all thought we did. I said that I thought I did poorly, because I started crying and that was very unprofessional, not to mention my pitch needed some work. He told me that he never tells any of his students this but I was amazing. Sure, I had some pitch problems (BUT OF COURSE I DID! I WAS ABOUT READY TO FLOOD THE NILE RIVER FROM MY TEARS OF SCAREDOCITY!) but because I did not run out of the room that made me amazing. Because I was able to hold back my emotions while singing was also pretty amazing, according to him. He gave every single person something to think about as well. I also learned that I have a tendency to use laughter and joking as a defense-machinism, which is completely true when it comes to things I am nervous about, like SINGING.
Now I know a lot of people say that because I am going into theatre singing or speaking in front of people should be easy for me. It's not. When you are singing a song or giving a speech it is completely different than acting. In acting you can be a character- and if that character has to sing I'll do it. But to sing something and not be in character for me, it is just nerve-wracking and I just wish that I could find a way for it to stop being like this for me personally.
The other students were in the same boat that I was though, we were all nervous. None of them cried like I did, but you could just tell. The last lady who sang had the book in front of her and screwed up half of the lyrics so I would like to think that I was not the worst. =P The accompanist was also really nice to me specifically so I thanked her after class and gave her a hug. If you are doing anything that involves singing please remember that the accompanist is your friend. If you make them mad then they can speed up the tempo or make it jazzy and that will mess you up and it will be your own fault. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be nice to your accompanist. ALWAYS.
At the end everyone had to hand you a sheet of paper, where they 'judged' you on your performance 1 being bad, 3 being good. On all of my papers I got a 3 for my appearance. I was wearing pink today, pink is my feel good color to wear along with red and black. Pink boots, pink shirt, pink hair flower, I was very pink today. I only got two 1's for my "confidence factor" but that was to be expected. Overall I am just happy that I got through with it, that is something that I should be proud of. There are some things that I need to work on before we sing our individual songs but now I know what I can do to improve.
But the most important thing to remember about this post is this; I may have cried but at least I looked good while doing it!