I can't sleep tonight for some reason so because of this I decided that I would write a blog.
I started thinking about the most random things from my past and what that can mean for my future. Last semester at college I remember a professor talking to me after class saying ">Last name!< You need to STOP showing these students up! It makes their confidence drop!" Ok so because I made a beautiful power point and didn't come to class with a boring lecture or show a 5 minute Youtube video during the 10 minute presentation I am showing students up and making their confidence drop? I still cannot believe he said that to me. Not only is it stupid, it's just plain idiotic. Maybe I have issues with my confidence and that is why I try to do the best job that I can when it comes to everything. If it happens to be better than other peoples then that is not my fault. He had no right what so ever yelling at me because I did a good job. That's like yelling at someone who just received their first paycheck. NOBODY should feel horrible because they did a good job at something, anyone who tries to make you feel bad about your accomplishment is just a messed up SOB.
In all honesty my confidence has always been something I never had much of when it comes to certain things. At the moment I'm starting to think that I barely have any. That could just be because of my lack of sleep though, I swear I have only gotten about 72 hours of total sleep this week which can't be a good thing.
But right now in my mind I'm going "Why am I still trying? Is there even a point in auditioning when I'm just going to get kicked in the face again?" when it comes to theatre. Granted, I haven't been to any auditions lately but that's how I'm feeling right now. I have also been writing a lot lately and trying to come up with some ideas to write a novel but there's a little voice in my head asking if this is something else that I'm going to completely fail at.
The thing is that I don't give into failure. People could beat me bloody senseless and knock me down again and again and again but I would still try to find a way to NOT fail. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing or if it's a psychiatric problem or something, but I am not a person who gives up easily.
I might just be having these thoughts because lately it seems like everyone has somehow made something of their life except me. People my age and younger are getting married and going to 3 star colleges and making their dreams happen while I just sit here time and time again and watch my dreams punch me in the stomach for even attempting to accomplish them. It's hard to keep a positive attitude when this keeps happening but I would rather be positive and have the outcome suck then be negative and have the outcome be good or still suck. Either way I'm not going to stop having fun with whatever I'm doing just because something bad may or may not happen. That is no way to live, not in my world.
That's pretty much all I have to say. Not much, but it's now said.