Sunday, June 30, 2013

Eating Alone (Depressing Story Time!)

Did or does anyone else have this problem?

I remember my sophomore year in high school when all of my so called "friends" distanced themselves from me when we were having lunch together. Like I would sit down next to them and they would get up and leave or move to another table. By junior and senior year I was eating my lunch alone every single day. Nobody even seemed to notice. In middle school I was the one going over and sitting with people who were alone, in high school nobody did the same for me. Because it was usually a 40 minute lunch/recess after lunch I would sit by myself and read a book or pretend to be doing homework because I didn't want people feeling sorry for me and it's not like anyone wanted to be around me anyways.  Twice I was fortunate enough to eat alone outside until the second time when some lady who thought she had so much authority started lecturing me about how I can't eat outside if the weather if below 50 degrees! I had a coat, I was fine. And I didn't want to go to the cafeteria where I have been surrounded by people laughing and having friends while I just sat there like a lonely chameleon. She didn't want to listen to me though so for recess I went to the cafeteria. Five minutes later  my vice principal came over to me and made a huge scene about how I needed to  be more "social" and took away my book. When I was talking to some people I was acquainted with (I don't even think they noticed I was there) a guy threw a basketball at my head then kicked me for basically existing. Yeah, thanks Mr. vice principal. Like I wasn't trying to be social before, now I'm just just mad and embarrassed. It was a lonely time in my life and perhaps that is why I remember every lunch period so clearly, because I was always alone or ditched by my "friends."

During the past five days my mom has been working late so I have been eating dinner alone. It sucks and has just been bringing up a past reminder of how lonely I was throughout my sophomore-senior year. She said that she would be home tonight so I made dinner only to receive a call saying that she wouldn't be home in time. I should have expected that but it doesn't make me any less sad. I'm basically alone 85% of the time and even when my mom does come home she's ignoring me, yelling at me, or calling me names or criticizing my appearance or body. But I guess having only one person to talk to, no matter how spiteful, is better than being completely alone 24/7. 

I called my dad today to say hi because I haven't spoken to him in a few days and he just yelled at me because he was on the golf course with his girlfriend. He said he didn't have time for me at the moment and would call me back tomorrow. 

I guess I could have called my friends but I don't have any of those. Every single day it's growing more and more likely that I will die sad and alone and that nobody would even cry at my funeral, let alone pay for a headstone.

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