Thursday, December 29, 2011

What Did I Do Today?!?!?

It may surprise you but I went to a suicide seminar! I have been going to a counselor for a few months now because of my depression and a few other things and she personally recommended that I go to this to show me why life isn't so terrible. Not only was it embarassing to have to ask someone for a ride to this thing but to sit in a room of people who are 50 years older than you or have no interest except to get more ideas for the psychiatric practice was horrid.

So I walk in, I bring in my drink and ask my dad to come and pick me up at 3 which was when the seminar ends. Ok, cool, right? I forgot to mention that I was drinking a diet coke considering I didn't get to sleep until 4:30 this morning. As soon as I walk in the door and take a seat the lady who was the speaker comes directly toward me, asks me my name, (and it stated in the little pamphlet that we can remain anonymous if we want- so I went with the name 'Jane' because it's technically nobody's business who I am or why I'm here.) then she takes my drink which was laying on the floor, throws it away and states very loudly for the entire room to hear; "CAFFEINE IS A LARGE CAUSE OF WHY PEOPLES MINDS HAVE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS!"

Wait a minute, what? That's a new one! I never knew a drink could possibly make your brain think things. Maybe if you drink 20 of those things you could start having suicidal thoughts and heart palpitations but I have never heard that suicide can be prevented by not consuming caffeine. I learned something today! *sarcasm*

Then this speaker goes up to the front and starts speaking to us as if we are 10 years old and using 'metaphors' and 'acronyms' and I bloody hate metaphors and acronyms! To quote this lady; "If you ever feel that you are suicidal do the following!"
A - Activity. Do something. - But let's not specify what that 'something' is! Polishing our dagger collection could be a 'something.'
C - Contribute.Get out and contribute to the world! - Maybe the world is what is making some people feel terrible. Bad idea.
C - Comparisons. Compare yourself with others.- How does this help?!?!? Comparing myself to little orphan Annie makes me sadder, comparing myself to popular Patty who's had 20 different boyfriends just irritates me!
E - Emotions. Watch your emotions. Don't let yourself get too emotional. - 1. You cannot physically watch emotions, control them yes, watch them you cannot. 2. Like you have the right mindset to control these emotions when you are having a mental breakdown.
P- Push Away and put those stinkin' thinkin' feelings in a box and put them up on a shelf and don't pay attention to them!- This phrase makes me not feel suicidal anymore! Instead this phrase actually makes me want to get the closest pointy object out and kill YOU!
T - Thoughts. Think positively, don't be a Negative Nelly, don't think of the bad, change your thinking. - *headdesk* Change your thinking. How. How am I supposed to do that?!?!? Oh and Negative Nelly!

Later she went on to tell us about how her teenager ran out infront of a car because he was feeling like a "Darwin Downer." and how she read online about ACCEPT and that it helped him succeed and graduate high school. And she also found that using football metaphors helped him and a lot of other people attending her seminar cope. For example 'happy' means "I'm dancing in the end zone!" Sports metaphors also help you become a better person... please do not ask me how.

I also learned that if you know someone who's feeling suicidal use ACE: Ask, Care, Escort. For the record that is the suicide prevental/training acronym for the U.S. military and should probably not be used outside a military base.

"The Army ACE acronym is used to reinforce the basic concepts needed by a battle buddy in order to help a suicidal Soldier. Ask your buddy about his or her suicidal thoughts. Care for your battle buddy by understanding that your battle buddy may be in pain. Escort your battle buddy immediately to your chain of command, chaplain or behavioral health professional."

I doubt anyone at this seminar had a battle buddy with them at the time or could speak to a chain of command about their feelings. FAIL.

Lady who gave this seminar, you are a fraud and I cannot relate to you at all. You are a damn motivational speaker who's in it for the paycheck and have never been suicidal or even depressed in your life and I despise people like you. When you are contemplating suicide you are not going to be doing or thinking about these things or using acronyms and metaphors to be a "Positive Peter."

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