Personal Essay

On Thursday my literature teacher gave the class an assignment to write an essay about our most personal problems. And if that didn't suck badly enough, I just recieved an email from her saying that we will be sharing our essay outloud infront of the entire class next Thursday. How about we not do that?
Teacher lady asked us to pick out some heartfelt topics last class period and to share five of the 20 we wrote. Mine were;
When my grandparents died
A hospital experience
The first time I auditioned for a play
and something about vacations...

She thought it would be great to ask me about my medical problems in class and then tell me that I needed to pick entirely different topics so I can 'share information about myself.' Screw that. This is a perfect example as to why I almost have SA. The thing is, it is nobody's damn business what has gone on in my life. More than likely my classmates don't care either. I surely don't care about Nina's husband's suicide- as a matter of fact, I don't usually care about any persons topic about their feelings.

I have enough trust issues as it is thanks to people like my classmates in literature, I refuse to bare my soul to them. It is my opinion that once you know something serious about someone they will use that information against you.

If I want to address any personal issues I  have, I will speak to a counselor, not a teacher who is getting paid by the hour.

And with that I leave you to the following;

IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

[i]From Harper's: "This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards.