Thursday, January 2, 2014

Scars of Rememberance

I was looking at my body today and realized that I have a lot of scars, most of which are not from surgery.

1. My appendix scar which I got when I was 10. I had to miss a concert because I had to get my appendix removed.
2. Scar on my thigh where a pitcher in softball hit me with the ball
3. Scar on my shoulder where my mom cut me with glass
4. Two scars on my knuckles where my hand accidentally went through a window
Right now I have;
A bruise on my leg where my mom threw a 2 liter of pop at me

Then there's my emotional scars which I don't think I will ever be rid of. These scars include;

- All of 7th grade. I had no friends and it was the norm for 18 girls at a time to gang up on me at recess. This all stemmed from me calling some girl a "bitch" online after she and her friend sent me an IM messages telling me how worthless I am and that there is a popular group for a reason and that I needed to go kill myself. They then sent only my portion of the IM where I called them a bitch to everyone they knew and changed everything they said then printed out copies and gave them to a teacher at school. I ended up getting in trouble and losing a ton of "friends" because of this. No one listened to what I had to say. Nobody ever believed me. Most of my recesses consisted of eating and reading alone in the library. I eventually got kicked out and told that I needed to join the other students and make some friends. How did I make friends? By being surrounded and bullied by girls and eventually getting into a fist fight. I remember it as if this were yesterday;
*Girls keep kicking me*
Me: How about you STOP KICKING ME
*girls start laughing and continue to freaking touch and kick me.*
One girl thought it would be fun to slap my face so I threw her into a table. A different girl then went at me and tried punching me. The 17 or so girls cornered me near a wall and it took at least 5 minutes before the recess lady came and broke up our fight.

This was all because I told people that popular groups and stereotypes were stupid. But because I defended myself online people could do or say whatever they wished and they did exactly that so I turned out looking like a terrible person.

I also remember there were three girls who gave my favorite teacher the email and me and them all had to sit down in her room and talk about my actions and then all three of them tell me flat out that they would never be my friend again and that if they avoided me it was only because they didn't want to get mixed up in this mess. People wonder why I have a hard time making friends today, there's your answer. I have trouble trusting others after this whole fiasco.

Then there was the science teacher who absolutely disliked me before I even entered her class. As soon as one of the "popular" girls told her what happened she made my life a living hell and at times bullied me worse than any of the kids. She called me a "f***ing worthless girl who would amount to nothing" once and then asked if I was "retarded." Great things to say to a person who's 12 years old! What makes this even more ironic is that this evil teacher had a picture of a kid who committed suicide hanging up on her wall and went over it on the very first day and said how she never wanted to see that happen to another student and how we should all treat each other with respect. Yeah, I think respect should go both ways and this teacher never earned mine.

-In 8th grade I met someone in my math class and we became good friends because we both disliked math. In this year I was failing all of my classes and during a conference my math teacher started overly dramatizing to my mom about how I was a failure and then a freaking janitor lady came into the room and told my mom how my book has been in her cart for THREE MONTHS. Which was a total lie considering I was using a different book and the book she had wasn't even my number. Janitor lady had no business in the room during a conference in the first place.

- I lost my best friend in 7th grade. I basically lost all my friends after 8th. They would of rather hung out with the people who could make them look good when they went into high school, and that's fine. I did okay without them, but it still kind of hurts and not something I really like to talk about.

- The few friends I did make in middle school never really hung around with me during high school for they were either too busy doing drugs, having boyfriends, or being jerks.

- I made a new group of friends in high school in 9th grade. I also started getting into theatre again. But by my sophomore year I was sitting alone at a lunch table every day because these friends ditched me. I remember going to the library with them my sophomore year and then having one girl tell me that they didn't want to hang out with me anymore and to just STOP FOLLOWING THEM. I didn't really think I WAS following them considering they asked every person at the table to go to the computer lab in the library but okay. I learned that everyone in that group includes every person but me. On that day when they all went to the back room in the computer lab I sat alone at a table in the library. Because I was a sophomore and the library was to be used during lunch hours for SENIORS ONLY these senior girls wanted to get me kicked out. I started crying and the librarian lady told the girls to basically eff off. She was the best person I met during my time in high school.

- During my junior year this librarian became a teacher for British literature, a class all juniors were required to take. I absolutely loved the subject and the class and looked forward to it every day. I took a lot of wonderful classes my junior year (including drama!!!=) ) and I started playing soccer. Due to soccer and drama and these classes I started making acquaintances. I think it was because of these things that I stopped caring so much about my loneliness. I was still lonely and still bullied but I didn't notice it or care as much.

- My senior year I started sitting with the goth kids at lunch. I don't think they particularly cared for me but they were a good bunch of people and never made me feel horrible about myself. I took drama again that year although I preferred it my junior year more. I also had nobody to walk with at my graduation because everyone I hung out with either already graduated the past few years or were a few years behind me so I got stuck between the one guy who was supposed to graduate three years before and the other guy who's father died in high school.  And let me tell you, we looked the BEST. We were the last people to go out to the gym but we looked THE BEST and we looked classy and even if we didn't who cares? I was out of there!

- I recently lost my best friend who stuck by me from 7th grade onward. She would rather hang out with her boyfriend (now girlfriend, thanks Facebook) and is apparently not allowed to speak to anyone outside of her college fraternity sisters.

- I now have no friends. Many acquaintances, zero friends. I can guarantee that none of my Facebook pals would take a bullet for me.

- A group of people bullied me to tears on the day of my grandfathers funeral. They told me that he was lucky to be dead so he wouldn't have to see my face anymore.

- Every single time someone has called me fat. My grandmother is notorious for it. So is my mom. One girl in middle school asked me "If I had enough to eat" once when I was only eating a peanut butter sandwich. A guy in high school (drama class) blankly stated that I was fat once.

- Every single time someone has called me ugly or has implied it. A guy in college told me I was "pretty" once and then told me right after that I probably never hear that so he was doing a good deed.

- Every single time I have been cut from a theatre production. Acting is everything to me and when I was cut from Sweeney Todd that really hurt. When I wasn't cast in anything after that someone may as well have just stuck a knife into my stomach. The knife is still there.

Then let's not forget all of the names I have been called; stupid, dumb, ugly, fat, lesbian, freak, spazz, weirdo, freak nazi, whore, slut, bitch, retard, demented little freak, loser, creep, schitzo, weirdo, crybaby, forehead girl, helpless, worthless, unlucky, etc.

Overall you would think these things would make me a stronger person and I must admit that some of them have, but I don't think I will ever forget these things and what has happened to me. I didn't list everything or go into full detail with a lot of this because it's hard for me to even write as much as I did for these are not things I like to talk about. I've never spoken about these things in real life however, I felt like getting these things out there and my blog seemed like the only place where I can do so without being criticized.

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