Monday, March 31, 2014

This Week Has Sucked

Majorly. I recommend that it ends now.

I think any day of the week where I get insulted by my own family members is a week that needs to end. My aunt had her birthday party yesterday. Please  take note that I never technically got an invite to this party. With any family gathering I am always invited through my mom. Nobody ever calls and tells me about these gatherings. I always find out about these things because my mom tells me. Although everyone was super calm during the party, the calm part ended about halfway into eating the cake.

My grandmother kept making a whole bunch of homophobic comments and was saying incredibly stupid and uninformed things like how she's glad that those bastards in congress didn't pass the bill so those gays can't marry in our state of Michigan. Alright grandmother, that's not what is going on what so ever. Time for you to actually read a newspaper instead of relying on what BBC America tells you. I basically told her this and obviously that was a mistake on my part for my entire family decided to gang up on me saying that the only reason I would defend "those PEOPLE" is because I was gay myself. Now I'm not gay (and even if I was would it really be that big of a deal?) but I do have some gay friends and feel that they would not take kindly to being called THOSE PEOPLE. They are not slaves, they are human beings and deserve to be treated as such and not called names just because they prefer one sex romantically over the other. Ignorant little heathens my family are.

After that conversation ended my cousin thought it would be super fun to tell us about how she dropped her $600 cell phone but is planning to get a new one tomorrow. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!? Who drops a $600 cell phone?!?!? How does one drop a $600 cell phone? Who can even afford a $600 cell phone? That's so freaking stupid! Her excuse for dropping her cell phone was that she had some coffee in her hand along with her 4 year old daughter who can walk and she had to decide which one she had to drop. I'm sorry but was your plastic cup filled with black coffee from the gas station really more expensive than a $600 cell phone?!?!? I think not!!! And then, then her boyfriend is buying her ANOTHER FREAKING CELL PHONE. This is such bullshit! If you can't take care of the first $600 phone then you sure as hell don't need another one! I don't care if this guy is your lifelong soul companion or whatever it is they are calling it these days, you treat him horribly and yet he is kind enough to ask you to MARRY HIM. And you want to have another child, but with him this time! Oh and is he aware that you were still dating your now deceased boyfriend while also dating him? Because I don't think he is aware of that and if he is then that is very sad.

Oh and Ms. Cousin Face thought that on her mothers birthday would be an acceptable time to discuss her summer wedding plans. Apparently it is going to be a country themed wedding, because of course it is. Nothing says country to me liked girls who wear $52 eyeshadow and carry Louis Vuitton purses and listen to Lil Bow Wow J Dawg Tiger Dude. And here is what tickles my fancy, everyone is required to bring a date. REQUIRED to bring a date or no entry. Because that's a sure fire way to get people swarming for an invitation! When's the last time I had a date? That's right, NEVER. So I guess I won't be allowed to attend.

I can actually see either her or my aunt getting super drunk during this wedding and looking like Cinderella in this gif. And if I miraculously find a date I will be recording all of it for "research." MWAHAHAHAHA.
Oh and then she showed us all her Pinterest board which was titled "Somuday." Dear God, why does everyone enjoy screwing with the English language so much? SomUday. Sounds like "Som mooooo day" as if a cow wrote it. With a keyboard!!! As opposed to a typewriter or notepad!
Freaking Pinterest. I'm stalking hers right now and this is what SomUday has on it;
- Turquoise, neon green, and coral wedding jewelery to go with a WHITE DRESS. Ain't nobody got time for classy matching!
- The ring she wants. She already has a ring so I'm confused by this. But the ring is 'george!' Yeah, George, not gorge. THEY AREN'T EVEN TRYING ANYMORE!!!!!!!
- A must have 1st dance photo. FRAMED.
- "Simps but ele centerpiece." You can write centerpiece but simple and elegant are words that are too complicated to write. Get out of town!
- Lots of 'prits ides!" I DON'T EVEN KNOW!
- "Maps from where you got engaged, where you got married, and where you went on your honeymoon... SO adorable!" Whaaat? Unless you develop some kind of brain tumor this is not needed! And also not SO adorable! You want to know what's adorable? NOT THIS.
- "Wheelbarrow wagon." If anyone can explain what this is to me I will send you a cupcake, no charge.

Honestly that's all I can read. My cousin has been the biggest pain in the ass to me ever since she started hanging out with the kids in my class who made my daily life a living hell  in high school after she already graduated about 5 years ahead of them. She is the basic epitome of the type of person I cannot stand. I understand that we are family and we should never talk about our dislike for each other to the outside world. Family problems should stay within the family, blah blah blah.  But shouldn't there also be a few rules as to what family members shouldn't do so they don't end up hating each other and never speaking to one another again? Here are a few things I came up with; 

What NOT To Do If You Want To Be A Good Cousin/Sister/Brother/Person etc.

1. Make rude and inconsiderate remarks that could stick with a person for years to come.
2. Hang out with the people who bullied a family member since 7th grade
3. Flirt with family members stupid small little crushes. This can make the stupid small little crush ask the crushing family member for their cousins number. And ask if the cousin is dating anyone. And then she will be extremely hurt. 
4. Tell an already depressed family member to go kill themselves
5. Lay a hand on a family member just because they don't care for a certain celebrity
6. Rip up a family members book because "Reading is for losers" and because "Only losers read." 
7. Tear down a family members self worth every time you see them. 
8. If a family member is having a good day, make sure to make it even better by calling said family member ugly and remind them that they will never be as good as you and will never be loved.
9. Push your family member off a bike and then laugh when she starts bleeding out of both her knees and elbow. 
10. Push your 2 year old cousin down the street in a stroller, 'accidently' smash her/his face into the sidewalk, laugh, but then tell your grandparents about how you ran home as fast as you could so you look like a freaking hero.
11. Make fun of your family member in front of your friends and also tell secrets about them. Bonus points if said friend has a brother (or sister) in the lame family members class.  Extreme bonus points if said brother/sister also hates the family member and will use everything they can to hurt the person in a public setting.
12. Try to drown your family member! Put their head under water and hope they don't come up for air! Who cares if you are 15 years old, this is completely acceptable behavior!
13. Tell people at your workplace to eff off. But because you are obviously better than your employees they will laugh at this comment and won't report you. 
14. And even if they did report you, who cares? You're sleeping with the boss anyways!
15. Big surprise! Boss man and you will have a kid and during your entire pregnancy you will be hormonal as hell which means you can be even meaner than usual and get away with it. Not like there's much you didn't get away with saying beforehand.
16. Name your kid after one of the most famous classic movie characters of all time and then when someone comments on the movie, scream at them and tell them; "I NEVER SAW THE MOVIE AND I DON'T PLAN TO! MY DAUGHTER IS NAMED AFTER A HOT (MEDIOCRE) ACTRESS!" X_X
17. Start dating three different guys while you're also canoodling with the father of your child.
18. Father of your child dies before he finds out about this. Gives you all his money, because of course he does.
19. Make sure your daughter makes stupid remarks just like you and swears by the age of 2! Also, no Disney princesses. We can't have the daughter liking princesses or classic Disney. God forbid!
20. Being pretentious. We have time for that!
21. Laugh and make fun of everything a certain family member is into. Your opinion matters.
22. Talk about a family member and make fun of them with your mother--- texting style! 
23. Go to your fathers funeral, inherit his money, tell the dead father and his family that you hate them. Leave. 

You know, I actually used to admire this cousin of mine. But ever since I was in 2nd grade I realized that this girl is not a very great person to look up to. I swear if she wasn't  pretty or rich she would NEVER be able to get away with half the things she does or says. But because much of society tends to overlook peoples personalities in favor of how a person looks on the outside, she can do or say whatever she wants. Not fair what so ever, but life has never been known to be fair. My mom says that I'm jealous of her, which is not necessarily true. If anything I pity her. She has never really had to work a day in her life and the one time she does get a job, she get's a child out of it along with thousands of dollars. She has also had about a hundred boyfriends in her life (some at multiple times!) But who cares if she's dating another guy at the same time she is dating her fiance? She get's a wedding! And a dress! And cake! What do I get? Just another true story to post about on my blog.

But I guess I am kind of happy for her to some extent. It is going to be her wedding day and the guy does seem to like her a lot. I really don't have any plans to ruin the most magical day of her life when the time comes, that would be a terrible thing to do and I do not want to be a terrible person. Unless she tries to drown me again, then I may be a terrible person and pull a Memoirs of a Geisha and color on her dress. =P

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