Monday, March 25, 2013

Cooking Tales

I shall admit right now that I am a failure as a cook. A huge failure. I tried microwaving popcorn today and it is clear that microwaving a simple bag of popcorn is too big of a task for me! Who in the world screws up microwaving popcorn? I do. I read the box and it said 3 minutes. I open up the microwave once the dingy sound was heard and a huge cloud of smoke comes out of it and the popcorn was blacker than black. I had to open all of the windows in my house in order for the smoke to disappear. And again I must ask what the heck? How does a person mess up popcorn? It is the simplest thing in the world to make next to a sandwich! I have just reached a new low when it comes to my cooking skills.

However, this is only the second worst story I have when it comes to cooking/baking/microwaving things. When I was 16 I thought it would be fun to bake a cake. A cake of DOOM that is. How hard is it to make a cake when the instructions are on the back of the cake mix box? Very hard if you decide to read the instructions after adding ingredients to your little cake pan and bake the stupid thing. Take note my fellow future cake makers, if you are using a cake mix you usually only need eggs,water, and butter. My smart self decided to make the cake incredibly radical and add a cup of sugar, about 7 eggs, half a bag of flour, and a tablespoon of vanilla. It was then that I read the boxes list of main ingredients and just thought that adding extra stuff would make the cake look prettier and taste better! 

The instructions told me to bake the cake at about 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes, that is when another genius idea came to me. If I baked the cake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes it would take less time. Haha perfect idea! Ten minutes later my oven was on fire. Needless to say my cake did not turn out good. 

I feel like my grandmother would be so ashamed of me. She was the best cook in the world and would always make things from scratch. I used to help her make pies and cookies and stuff but obviously I never got enough practice because everything I make seems to turn into horribleness. Obviously I need more practice.

Some other things I learned; do not put these types of plates in the microwave. 

They will burn!!! I did this at my old house to some plate and ended up throwing the thing in my neighbors yard so my mom wouldn't know how I almost burned her house down. 

 At least nobody in their right mind can make "'the woman belongs in the kitchen" jokes to me. You want me in your kitchen? Okay. *blows everything up and sets your house on fire.* If I ever throw a dinner party everyone is getting cereal. CEREAL. And eggs, because they are the one thing that I have not managed to flambe yet. 

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