This Is A Handy List

I came across this list on the Internet earlier today which is officially titled "60 Little Tips That Can Change a Girl's Life." Now I'm not one to usually read these types of things all the way through but I felt that this list deserved a re-post because of how it assumes to know the mind and life of  all girls and significantly put them into a tiny group and makes random presumptions about them. That is insane. I shall now go through the list and fully explain how most of these things do not specifically apply to me. 

One small step for girls, one giant leap for womankind.

1. Download a banking app.- I have a very old cell phone with no Internet and no app features. And even if I did have an iPhone 9.12 or whatever I would never pay for a banking app. I would go to this real building place called a bank and either withdraw or deposit money in that place.
2. Drink more herbal tea. It will save your life.- No it won't. If I had a major stomach ulcer drinking herbal tea would be the last thing I would want to do. Hey, if they can make assumptions 58 more times then so can I.
3. Making your own coffee/tea instead of buying it will make you a rich woman.- Not if you don't drink coffee or tea or if you are one of those uninformed people who buys 50 boxes of Tazo tea AT Starbucks.
4. Always have at least 6 chap sticks stocked up.- But why? You can only use one at a time. And I would recommend that the chapstick you do use is quality stuff. 
5. Check out thrift stores. You may have to wash things three times before you get the old lady smell out, but it’s well worth it.- There are no thrift stores around my area. Plus there is a likely chance that if you wash thrifty items several times then the color will fade or the fabric will somehow be destroyed. 
6. Never buy cheap jeans.- I wouldn't buy jeans from Walmart but I'm not going to Nordstrom and paying $250 for some dark jeans. That's not a savvy idea. 
7. Buy cheap sunglasses instead.- How about not telling me what to do with my money?
8. Don’t chase boys.- But what if the boy took my purse? Am I not supposed to chase him down then?
9. Wrinkle spray and a hair dryer erase all need to ever use an iron for all of you lazy ironers like me.- Or you could iron your hair, get a Brazilian Blowout, or a perm if you are seriously that lazy. 
10. Wear slippers when you have to drive in heels.- Why would someone ever have to drive in heels? 
11. Wear slippers when you’re travelling.- Ok, I'll give them this one. Maybe you shouldn't wear them all the time but packing a pair of slippers on vacation is a smart move especially if you get blisters and still have a ton of stuff to do. 
12. Wear slippers at all moments that it’s even slightly acceptable to wear slippers.- Like in your house? At night?
13. Spend a little extra money on your make up; it’s so worth it.- Here's a fun fact; that Guerlain mascara works just as well as Maybelline for making your eyelashes fuller and darker. My tip; Skin care. Spend extra on skin care. Foundation can only hide so much. 
14. Get running sneakers that are actually effective and not just cute.- What if they are cute and comfy? Can't that be a thing? Yes. Yes it can.
15. NEVER go to bed with your make up on.- True dat.
16. Get like a thousand packs of make up wipes, because they work the best.- NO THEY DON'T! All of those stupid things make my face all red and break out! ALL. OF.THEM. Ponds cold cream is the best in my world. 
17. Buy your wine from a box, it’s way more cost efficient and being “wine classy” is so overrated.- I don't drink wine. And I think it would impress more people if you drank Chardonnay rather than drinking Night Train Express, if "impressiveness" is what you are aiming for. (I have no idea why my blog keeps spaced this all weirdly. Apologies for that!) 
18. Carry headphones in your pocket at all times.- Yet another way for people to disengage in conversation with one another. Great idea! Next thing you know people will stop talking altogether thanks to technology. Kind of sad really. 
19. Pick your girls over your boyfriend often, because almost always, the guys come and go and the girls are still there.- Or if you're like me all of your "girls" would have already picked their boyfriend/girlfriend over you 99.9% of the time years ago and you will be left with no friends and no boyfriend and only a cat. 
20. Get a really nice strapless or “sticky bra” and you will realize how much better everything looks without your old straps popping out.- I actually had to look up what a "sticky bra" was. Disturbing. It's basically like silicone/cotton fake boobs sticking to your real boobs! Let's NOT do that! 
21. Wash your face. - Wow! If I didn't read that I would have surely forgotten! Thanks list maker person!
22. THE DOLLAR TREE CAN AND WILL SAVE YOUR SOUL.- The lady at the Dollar Tree kicked me out of the store in a rude fashion. Apparently the store was supposed to open tomorrow yet they had the doors wide open that day.
23. Never neglect to paint your toe nails.- I always forget to paint my toenails. And what if it's winter? Who exactly are you going to impress with your painted toenails under some shoes?
24. Eat breakfast.- Yes. 
25. Make a summer playlist for when you need to walk in the cold and start actually getting depressed.- I don't even know what this is trying to tell me. Walk to a "summer playlist." I'm guessing that means happy music. As opposed to the "Depressing songs that are depressing while needing to walk in the cold" playlist. 
26. Get a super awesome coffee mug.- Or you can buy a lemonade pitcher. Or a punch bowl! Hooray for extreme beverage holders!
27. Realize that you can pull off red lipstick, rock it girl.- So you are implying that boys can't also pull off the super rockin' red lips. 
28. Make guys take you on dates that don’t involve a bar or dingy basement.- Really? REALLY?!??! People actually agree to dates of this sort? 
29. Never try dieting pills or fads. It’s all a bunch of garbage, just be healthy.- More likely these things can possibly kill you and cause a ton of freaking problems in the long run. 
30. Call your mom when you need help.- I can agree with this, yet there are some people out there who aren't lucky enough to have parents that can help them. People need to start remembering that some people have horrible parents. 
31. Forget name brands. No one really cares, and you will have three times the wardrobe to choose from if you shop at Tj Maxx and Marshalls first.- Don't tell people where they should shop. And if someone wants to spend $35 on Billabong because it makes them feel pretty then good for them. Shop wherever the hell you want. 
32. Make sure you have at least one friend that likes your favorite TV shows.- I don't think any of my friends watch any of my favorite TV shows. 
33. And your favorite snacks.- Anyone here like popcorn? If so then you are my new friend. Friendships are made from popcorn. 
34. There is this amazing invention called “boob tape” to wear with strapless dresses and you need to purchase it. You don’t need twenty candid photos of you pulling up your dress on the dance floor at a formal event anymore.- I need to check into this "boob tape" stuff. 
35. Ask for a white coat underneath the color when you get your nails done and the color you wanted looks so much more vibrant. Also, go for the glitz nail.- DON'T TELL PEOPLE WHAT COLOR PEOPLE SHOULD PAINT THEIR NAILS. This girl is extremely bossy. And I have never in my life gotten my nails done at a manicure place. That probably seems strange but I really have no desire to do so. I mean, I guess I could go get a manicure  but it's not something I would take time out of my schedule to do.
36. Never spend too much time crying over a boy.- Why is time italicized? Is this some new spunky trend I should be aware of? Also, never cry over someone else, especially if they can't see what a precious gem you are. Crying over people who could care less about you is a terrible thing to do. 
37. Order the dressing or sauce on the side ladies. You’d be amazed at the difference.- NO! If I want the waitress or waiter to put that horribly calorific ranch on top of my salad then they better put that ranch atop of thy salad! I would be AMAZED if they decided to NOT do as requested. And usually the dressing does come on the side so this is irrelevant information.
38. Always try clothing on before you buy it. Don’t even try to reason with yourself, “Well I don’t need to try this on”, yes you do.- Unless you buy 10 of the same colored shirt in the same style of the same brand. 
39. Drink as much water as humanly possible.- Nah. Drinking water is for squares. Today I feel like drinking waters twin brother, sir rum.
40. One foundation does not fit all. Your skin is unique; so spend the time to get a foundation that doesn’t look like you just smudged your face with paint.- But what if I want to look like a painter in the park? Maybe I was blending swatches on my face. You don't know my life!!! 
41. Use your iCalendar on your phone for reminders. It sends you emails and will give you instant organization.- WTF is an iCalendar? Why must people use their phone for everything these days? Idea: buy a pocket sized calender and write important stuff on it! You can become organized that way too, all by yourself. 
42. Get a microwaveable heat pad. Your cramps and back will thank you for the rest of your days.- Not going to argue with this because all girls cycles are different and there are different ways to cure cramps. I like Midol, but that's just what works for me. One solution does not help all. 
43. Understand that Ben and Jerry’s will always be the best remedy for a broken heart and no shame is ever needed in that.- I'm sure someone is bound to eventually feel shameful when they eat 50 containers worth of cherry garcia ice cream in a row. Don't do that. Ice cream is absolutely delicious but there are better ways to cure a broken heart, like ARCHERY!!! 
44. Stock your car, desk, and bags with hand sanitizer.- Or M&Ms. I like M&Ms.
45. Keep Advil in your purse for your every day headaches.- If you have a headache every single day there is an underlying problem there. Go to your doctor and check that out.
46. Band-Aids too, heels are beautiful little monsters.- What the frick?!?!? Yeah, because whenever I look at my heels I always think "oh what beautiful littler monsters you are." Who refers to anything as beautiful little monsters? That's an oxymoron! How about we keep band aids on our person just in case a random guy decides to forget to take his headache meds that morning, is forced to take Advil out of desperation, and then he goes into a rage and stabs you! Band-aids could be somewhat helpful in that case! 
47. Befriend store associates because they actually will help you.- And I always thought being rude to the store associates and calling them names would make them be my bff for life. Oh the many mistakes I have made! 
48. Light butter popcorn is actually a great choice.- A great choice for what? President? World leader? Lawyer?  
49. Exercise when you’re stressed out.- When I'm stressed out I sleep. And if you are stressed out over work or schoolwork how is exercising going to de-stress you? 
50. You can and will never have too many pairs of underwear. Buy as many as you want girlfriend.- Please stop referring to your readers as 'girlfriend' and stuff like that. It irritates me so much. Kind of like how people are referring to each other as 'bae' on all those social networking sites these days. Bae is an idiotic word. Stop using it. 
51. Find the perfect moisturizer.- Hey, the moisturizer that makes my face look purple is may not be perfect but let's just say that it makes me feel like a superstar fairy princess lady.
52. Accessories are life changing.- Another thing that could possibly be life changing; ending world hunger. 
53. Take bubble baths.- Alright. When you find a bubble bath that doesn't make my skin break out in a rash let me know. 
54. Have granola bars on hand at all times.- I'll go with this one. However fruit snacks are also good things to have on hand for snack purposes. 
55. Read as much as you can for your own enjoyment. You shouldn’t forget about what interests you.- So by reading books you will remember what interests you? I'm not even sure how these two things relate.
56. Look natural in photos and smile with your teeth. Don’t do that weird grimace smile; your teeth are perfect just the way they are.- No they're not! Stop lying to everyone! My teeth are spaced a little because I was really stupid and didn't wear my retainer after getting my braces off! 
57. Don’t blow off going to the doctor or dentist. It’s incredibly important to take care of your body.- Or you could take care of your body and also go to the doctor and dentist. What a brilliant idea I have! 
58. Get your beauty sleep.- I have insomnia. 
59. Use hand lotion.- Instead of hot sauce. 
60. Make chocolate chip pancakes when ever possible.- Here's a funny story. I tried making pancakes once, regular pancakes. No fruit or anything in them, plain ole' pancakes. I set them on fire at a Sunday community breakfast place thing my dad took me to and he volunteered me to help out behind the scenes. Bad ideas were had that day! I burnt the pancakes (at least 5) and then blamed it on the other girl who was helping. Turns out the other girl was the man in charge's daughter and she was the princess of the place and could do no wrong and she went on a huge tangent on how I was a liar and needed to SPILL THE TRUTH. I spilled the truth alright. I told the breakfast helper people and they were all super mad at me and refused to speak to me or made snotty comments directed towards me the rest of the morning.  I was 13! I didn't know how to make pancakes!  The fire department wasn't needed, they should have given me a break! I never went back there after that incident. I think I am officially banned from that place. But there is a good side to this story. When I got home that night my mom taught me how to make pancakes and now I can make them all by myself, even the ones with bananas and strawberries and chocolate chips and I haven't burnt one since. So ha! Take that community breakfast place!