Enter The Asylum

I have to say that I absolutely loved American Horror Story when it aired in October 2011. Now I am completely hooked on the second season, American Horror Story Asylum. I have to give a ton of credit to the writers for thinking up a lot of the twisted stuff we have been getting. The actors have been outstanding this season and have shown that their characters are human. I like watching this series because literally, anything could happen next. Basically this show has everything you could imagine when it comes to the horror genre; demons, crazy nuns, aliens, mutants, corporal punishment, an insane doctor, etc.

The only problem I have had with the show so far is this tiny little bit of historical inaccuracy; BriarCliff would not have existed in the 1960's although that is the date this entire show is set in. In the 1950's most asylums were replaced with psychiatric wards in hospitals. JFK even established NIMH (the National Institute for Mental Health) where shock therapy was replaced with drugs.

^This is my new ringtone.

Back story to the person who sang this song;

The Soeur Sourire (or The Singing Nun, aka the person who sings this song) was a Dominican nun who became famous for this song and this song alone.She abandoned the convent to life and met her female companion,whom she got to know through operating a school for autistic children. They both committed suicide in 1985.

As for other television series that I am enjoying lately; Person of Interest season 2 and Criminal Minds season 8. These are my two favorite television shows of all time that are still airing. If you have not seen any of these three then I can not recommend them enough.

For Asylum you do not need to see the first season, the second season is completely different with a new story line and new characters. 

My question to anyone who is reading this; what is your favorite television series of all time? Not including cartoons or anime because I know a lot of you out there (like me) could list a million of your favorites when it comes to those two categories.  

Eventful Day!

So today as I wrote a few posts back, I had to sing in front of my entire music class. I have been practicing all week for this and last night I really worked excessively on my pitch and breathing. This morning I drank a ton of water and practiced again in the car on the way to college and even sat in the car and practiced until 9:00 (because my first class does not start until 10:00 and I had to go print stuff off at the library.) Overall I knew I had it but of course I still felt the nerves, which were evident when I was talking so much during my Shakespeare class when we were supposed to be watching Julius Caesar. I learned during Sweeney that talking a ton is something that I do when I am really nervous. 

Obviously my nerves did no subside when I got to music class either because I was talking there too before a single person got up to sing and I kept asking questions- good questions, by the way. Our teacher asked for volunteers first; 2 guys and then a girl went up there to sing. I thought "Okay,  might as well get this over with" so I went up 4th, introduced myself, and then started singing. I sang about 8 words before I broke down and started crying. I couldn't remember the damn words! Yeah, excuses, excuses, but this is not the first time I have broke down or have had a panic attack when it comes to singing in front of people (high school choir- everyone was told we had to sing in front of the class individually or we fail, I went to the teacher, broke down and started crying, told her I for the life of me couldn't do it, and I ended up doing it anyways but not as good as I would have liked) For the life of me I will never understand why! People don't bother me, people don't make me nervous, I do theatre, so what on earth is my problem? I don't know, but I need to find out before I start fainting and hyperventilating instead of crying.

But anyways I started crying, the accompanist stopped playing the piano as I buried my face in my hands, and told me that "It will be fine sweetie." My teacher just asked if I needed, the book. LOL. NO! I HAVE THIS THING MEMORIZED! The little voice inside my head was saying. But I did end up using the book, if you used it then you were marked down some points but I did not even care about points at that point. I ended up singing, though not as great as I practiced, in fact it didn't even sound anything like I practiced, it is actually quite hard to sing when you are holding back your emotions. But I did it. I sang the bloody class song. Granted, I know that I did not do my best but I finished the damn thing. The other students were very supportive as well, one of the girls sitting next to me continued to say how well I did. She may have been lying but in this case I will forgive her.

Our teacher asked us when everyone was finished how we all thought we did. I said that I thought I did poorly, because I started crying and that was very unprofessional, not to mention my pitch needed some work. He told me that he never tells any of his students this but I was amazing. Sure, I had some pitch problems (BUT OF COURSE I DID! I WAS ABOUT READY TO FLOOD THE NILE RIVER FROM MY TEARS OF SCAREDOCITY!) but because I did not run out of the room that made me amazing. Because I was able to hold back my emotions while singing was also pretty amazing, according to him. He gave every single person something to think about as well. I also learned that I have a tendency to use laughter and joking as a defense-machinism, which is completely true when it comes to things I am nervous about, like SINGING. 

Now I know a lot of people say that because I am going into theatre singing or speaking in front of people should be easy for me. It's not. When you are singing a song or giving a speech it is completely different than acting. In acting you can be a character- and if that character has to sing I'll do it. But to sing something and not be in character for me, it is just nerve-wracking and I just wish that I could find a way for it to stop being like this for me personally.

The other students were in the same boat that I was though, we were all nervous. None of them cried like I did, but you could just tell. The last lady who sang had the book in front of her and screwed up half of the lyrics so I would like to think that I was not the worst. =P The accompanist was also really nice to me specifically so I thanked her after class and gave her a hug. If you are doing anything that involves singing please remember that the accompanist is your friend. If you make them mad then they can speed up the tempo or make it jazzy and that will mess you up and it will be your own fault. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be nice to your accompanist. ALWAYS.

At the end everyone had to hand you a sheet of paper, where they 'judged' you on your performance 1 being bad, 3 being good. On all of my papers I got a 3 for my appearance. I was wearing pink today, pink is my feel good color to wear along with red and black. Pink boots, pink shirt, pink hair flower, I was very pink today. I only got two 1's for my "confidence factor" but that was to be expected. Overall I am just happy that I got through with it, that is something that I should be proud of. There are some things that I need to work on before we sing our individual songs but now I know what I can do to improve. 

But the most important thing to remember about this post is this; I may have cried but at least I looked good while doing it!

This Is Not A Happy Post

In the past I have seen a lot of people ask others 'why did you start a blog' or 'why do you write' when I started this blog I did not really know my overall intention, but as of right now, the answer to this for me is that I have nobody in the real world to reach out to anymore and so keeping this blog and being able to write is something that tends to keep me sane. I can basically write anything I want to on here and express my emotions without being judged by the people I know in real life.

 

Most people who know me may see a happy, hyper, smiley, eccentric, positive, crazy, fun, innocent girl who doesn't seem like she knows anything about the world. It's true, I cannot say that I know everything about the world, but who does? However, I know as much as I need to, probably a lot more than I let on. Although I have a tendency to be all of the adjectives above, I am not like that all of the time contrary to popular belief. 

Nobody knows what goes on inside of another person do they? Does anybody even care to?

It is not a welcome feeling to feel like you are invisible. Same goes for feeling unwanted. That's what goes on inside of me half of the time.When I tell people I have no friends I am serious. 99% of the time at college outside of class I am alone. Most people my age are going shopping with their friends or going bowling or on dates with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Speaking of dates no guy has ever really looked at me- but that is a topic for another time. Introvert that I am that is more than likely a big reason.

As for family, as of the past few months my mother has been on a rampage about the insurance and how it is my fault that I have so many medical problems that require medicine. I did not ask to have type 1 diabetes or asthma, and I did not ask my doctor to put me on thyroid medication to keep it in check. But apparently having these things are making us BROKE and I am being told that I should just drop dead because it would save her money. This is not the first time where she has wished death upon me, a lot of the time she just says that I was the biggest mistake that she has ever made.

 

I have been applying for jobs so I can give her the money for my medication but nobody seems to want a 21 year old with no experience. In my moms world taking 12 credit hours in college isn't enough and it would be better if I just got a job and got out of her face. Even better yet, if I just moved out of her house. (like I could afford to do that right now.) By the way it is HER HOUSE, she is so proud that she bought it that she throws it in my face all of the time and takes a lot of things that I need, because they are in HER HOUSE, things  such as printer ink which I kind of need for my college papers so I don't FAIL, but she has the right to take them.

 

I am trying my best to look for a way out of here but I am starting to doubt that is ever going to happen. I doubt I will ever be financially stable enough where I can book a plane ticket and an apartment and get the hell out of here. I saw an audition for a movie in Michigan last  night and told my mom that I was going to apply. She told me that I would never make it as an actor and that I should just give up. The only job I could ever do is something at the hospital she works at because I am a useless person and no other job would ever hire me because I have absolutely no talent. After my last three auditions I am starting to think that is true.

 

The other night when I went to bed at 3 am my mom literally pushed me out of bed at 4 because she could have sworn that I woke her up which was bullshit. She then proceeded to rip my blanket in half. This behavior sounds like she might be an alcoholic but she is not. This is just the way she has always been, though she does tell me that she should start drinking all of the time after what I put her through 24/7.

 

My mother is one of the reasons as to why I think I may have depression. Her along with every other member of my family and the people who made my life hell all throughout middle school and high school. Sometimes I go to bed at night hoping that I die. When I wake up I sometimes wonder why I am still alive. I have attempted suicide 3 times, once in middle school by jumping off our house roof (yes, that was silly, it was only 5 inches or so to the ground) the other 2 times by swallowing sleeping pills. I have only told two people this; my mom who thought I was lying and just says whatever whenever I bring it up (which has only been twice) my dad who slapped me and only said that I shouldn't tell anyone else this or they will lock me in a nut house. I told my mom the other day that I have no intentions of living anymore, she told me that I should have fun trying to kill myself because she wasn't going to stop me. I think my mom thinks that I am only saying this for attention, in the past that may have been true because yeah, I really don't get any attention at home, I am ignored a lot of the time, ditto when it comes to college. However lately I have been in this depressed mode where I am thinking who would miss me if I was gone? Nobody. Nobody even knows who I am and the ones that do surely don't care if I exist or not.

 

But I have decided that I am not going to let this world destroy me, the world cannot have my body yet, it doesn't deserve it. If I were to kill myself then it just means that these people won and I have too much pride to let anyone win in that way. I have read multiple times that there is someone out there who cares, maybe I don't know who it is but I would like to think that there is someone.

 

If you are like me and are currently having sad thoughts or have had some in the past, just know that we can make it. There is nothing wrong with us. We are human and we deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else. If we are gone so is our future- obvious yes, but it does make sense. All of us wear a mask to hide our true identity, but one day I would like to believe that our masks will not be needed anymore.

 

Now I am just rambling, so I think this would be a great place to stop.

 

This quote has had a strange impact of me ever since I read the book. Thank you George R.R. Martin.

 

 

Music Make You Lose Control

On Monday of next week I am going to have to sing in front of my music class ALONE. Now I am ok with singing in front of people, I don't think that I have the voice of an American Idol reject but it is not something that I am thoroughly comfortable with as of yet, even if half of the people in my class do sound like Rak&Tak;

 I had a singing part in my college's fall musical and this video actually made me get through the audition without having a complete anxiety attack. I thought if these people can do it so can I! So thank you Rak&Tak. However the part I got did not require me to sing on pitch what so ever and I would like to eventually be able to go on stage a sing things like a fairy and not like a crazy 90 year old woman.  

As for my music class, the other people in the class have to take notes judging you on your performance. I do not like that what so ever. This is not American Idol, I would like to think that we are in this class to learn how to become a better singer and not be judged on if you sound spectacular or not. Students should not have the power to judge others in a classroom environment when the teacher is the one with the doctorate degree. So this will probably be giving me a nervous breakdown all week. Like I said, I think that I am an alright singer, but I am willing to admit that I do need improvement. Whenever I get in front of people to sing like this my voice never usually sounds the way I want it to unless I practice 100 million times and then some,  and even then sometimes my voice is different. It also does not help that we have all be singing together choir style and the two ladies next to me are always singing like they are in a freaking opera, meaning I am unable to hear myself and my voice tries to fit what they are doing, which is a problem. 

Overall I just do not think I am meant for a musical classroom setting. 

Directing

A few weeks ago in my theatre class we were assigned to think about ideas for our student film that will be shown in the college's theatre around Christmas time. Today we were supposed to say our ideas aloud to one another. Nobody had any. Nobody even wished to talk or throw ideas out there. I had to be the one to ask exactly what everyone was thinking, what genre they wanted to do, if they had a chance to play any type of character what type of character would they be, etc. Because nobody had many answers for this I decided that I would have to be the one to take charge- which I kind of knew would happen anyway. I already had in my head that I was going to be the one to direct this thing. It was something I really wanted to do once it was announced considering there really are not that many female directors out there. I was inspired to learn a few months ago that Carrie Preston (best known for playing Arlene Fowler on the television series True Blood) has not only directed a few movies in the past, but she recently took her passion for directing and after six years came out with the movie That's What She Said. Preston and her husband, Michael Emerson, have always been an influence to me when it came to acting but to learn that she was a director made me have an even more huge ounce of respect for her.

I sat up on a desk and started to take notes on what a few people were saying for what this movie could be about, when another guy in the class, aka Mr. Pumpkin Patch who I have mentioned in my previous blog posts, sits up on the desk opposite me with a pen and paper in his hand, (basically imitating exactly what I was doing) and thinks that he is going to take over.  Now I am all for having two directors, more than likely a film will require more than one director at times. I am all for having two directors if I can be selfish and be one of them, but what I am not okay with is having a 2nd director try and outdo the original and try to make her look like an idiot. I am a person who usually never takes charge, and the one time I do someone just has to be rude and criticize everything that I am saying. I get that criticism is a part of life but to criticize something as minor as "We can go down to the basement of the theatre and pick out our costumes if your character requires something you cannot find in your closet"  is just not right. I am taking a chance directing here, and I will not have some loony toon ruin my experience. 

He even had the audacity to say to me after class that HE will be the one doing most of the directing and that HE will only need me for directing certain parts of the film. I will not stand for this. I have put up with a lot when it comes to the theatre world but this is not going to happen no matter what he thinks. I will not be the person to sit back and be told what to do when it comes to making a student film, especially by some guy who's only motivation is to try and make me look foolish.

All of us started throwing ideas off of one another after awhile and now we have the premise of our movie, and it will have puns! Next Wednesday we will be going to the theatre and looking for costumes along with start the writing of the script. 

Voting

So yesterday was what we American's call 'election day.' Obama won for the 2nd term and I know some people are happy about this some are not. I won't judge you on who you voted for because in the end our country wins because we are blessed to be able to freely elect our nations leaders whereas some countries do not have that option and run under a dictatorship.

What I am going to talk about today is not about who won or who I voted for because frankly I do not care who you voted for and I really do not want my blog to turn into some type of political debating place. Your vote is none of my business. You could have voted for Ralph Nader who's name wasn't even on the ballot this time around and I would not care. What I will be talking about however is what a lot of people keep saying about the voting process and how disrespectful people can be when it comes to who's leading our country.

First and foremost if you are an American citizen and did not vote then you have no right to complain. Unless you are a felon, a minor, a non-citizen, a person who has not registered, or an extraterrestrial you have no excuse as to why you didn't vote.  Whoever your are your vote could determine the future, you never know. I have read a few written articles online with people who comment down at the bottom saying 'I hate both candidates so I ain't voting' well that's fine and dandy, but you are always free to vote for a 3rd party, nobody is forcing you to vote democrat or republican or even president for that matter. You are also free to vote for the proposals. Not voting just means the man has won. 

However, before voting I beg you to please do some research on the candidates first. Saying 'I'm voting for Bama' cuz I like him better than the other guy' is not smart if you have no idea what the other guy's name is or what Obama is promising this country. When I was voting the older guy next to me literally asked one of the people there how he could vote for Romney and Biden. When has the US ever been able to vote for a vice president individually? I've heard of undecided voters but come on, be a little informed. People like that are undeserving of  a well done sticker.

As for being respectful, we all know that Obama won. Some are happy about it, some are not, some are in-between. Going up to other people you do not know at college and going "OBAMA WON" whilst doing a high five hand gesture is not cool and will more than likely make you a few enemies. Be respectful of others voting decisions. 

Another thing that has been irking me,some people kept saying before the votes were tallied that "If ____ wins I'm moving to Canada!" You will still wake up tomorrow if the candidate you despised won.  If you have absolutely no respect for your country left then I would actually prefer if you'd leave. 

That is pretty much all I have to say about the subject. Also, here's a cool little story I thought ya'll might enjoy;

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/michigan-man-dies-during-early-voting-revives-makes-225724476.html

Question Time!

QUESTIONS I FOUND ON THE INTERNET! 

1. Are you young at heart, or an old soul?
I am only 21 but I think that I can either be wiser than my years or lower than my actual age. It depends what day of the week it is.

2. What Christmas present do you remember the most?
I remember them ALL. 

3. Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you don't like.
I like my eyes at times. Least favorite would have to be my arms. Not enough to get liposuction or anything but they are not my favorite.

4. What holiday do you most look forward to?
Kooky Spooky Halloween!! 

5. How is the relationship between you and your parents?
It is ok. 

6. You've got the TV on, but you're not really watching. What channel is the TV on?
I don't usually have the TV on in the background...electricity bill yo! But if I do it's usually on Animal Planet or CBS.

7. If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be?
New York or somewhere in England or Ireland.

8. Have you ever spent a night in the hospital?
Several times. Asthma, appendicitis,a low diabetes reaction, etc. I also spent the night in my dads office once and he works at the hospital so it was ok. 

9. Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people?
To do this you would actually have to be friends with people and I basically do not have any that I can hang out with at the moment. However I do like being in a large group at times, makes me seem less of a loner. Or it makes me want to strangulate half of the people in the group. 

10. Do you like the type of music your parents listen to? Do your parents like the type of music you listen to?
Very much so. Both of my parents have awesome taste in music. My mom likes some of the stuff I listen to, my dad always says "I don't know them" whenever I mention an artist I like, and he wants to end the conversation at that.      

11. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Nutrition aside, ice cream. Or licorice. I wonder if they make a licorice ice cream...

12. Do you believe in a god?
At times. Me and him have a strange relationship.

13. What's you're favorite hashtag to track?
I am on twitter and I have absolutely no bloody idea what this means.

14. When you were young, what would you dream you would be when you grew up?
 I wanted to be a waitress when I was in kindergarten, then a police officer when I was in 1st grade, and then an artist through grades 2-4. As soon as I hit 6th grade I knew I wanted to be an actress. 

15. Do you want to have more friends than you have right now?
I really do not know. I like meeting people though.

16. Have you ever met someone through the Internet, then met them in real life?
Unfortunately not. But I'm always up for meeting new people in a SAFE CROWDED ENVIRONMENT where there are witnesses. 

17. Tell me about the last book you read.
A biography about Shakespeare for my class. It was not good.     

18. Predict what your life will look like a year from now.
I'm still planning that!!!!!

19. Early bird or night owl?
Night owl.  Early birds irritate.

20. Where do you live? Be as general or specific as you want.
In a state. 

21. What was the longest car ride you've ever taken?
To Minnesota. The car broke down on the way back at an unreasonable hour! 8:00 am is an UNREASONABLE time to go to Pep Boys.

22. What is your ethnic heritage?
Irish and Scottish.

23. Do you want to live until you're 100?
It might be cool to live that long, but I think it would be better to go around the 90s.

24. Do you practice what you preach?
Not as often as I should. 

25. Have you ever laughed uncontrollably when it was socially inappropriate?
Yes. Many seem to find that peculiar. 

26. Do you often skip breakfast?
No. 

27. Would you want to know the exact date and time you were going to die?
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! 

28. Describe your neighborhood.
It's somewhat near a graveyard. It's quite boring besides the alcoholics next door.

29. Name a TV series you didn't enjoy until after it ended.
MASH, Alias, and LOST.       

30. Have you ever bought a product from an infomercial?
  A baseball bat. Which I used to smash the television set when the other infomercials played.

31. What is one thing you could never forgive?
 Killing another person out of pure ignorance or stupidity. 

32. What part of the past year sticks out in your mind?  
Many things. 

33. What is your favorite sport?
Hopscotch

34. What has been troubling you lately?
How people cannot accept another persons opinion. People hate being told they are wrong. 

35. Who was your first crush?
This guy in my elementary school class. I thought that he would like me if I told on him for climbing  on the desks. LOL. I was a delusional child. He took me to the school office during recess when these other boys who were his friends started were screwing with me and telling me to 'move' so they could play their stupid game. No, I did not have to move, this is my hiding place away for society, I am perfectly content, leave me alone. One boy pushed me off of this little jungle gym type thing and I started bleeding. This boy started screaming at him telling him that 'He was not cool' or something and then took me to the office. Two days later he started  going out my friend. He moved schools until 7th grade when he came back dressed up as a ghetto gangster type person. He was still nice, but I was a complete mess in 7th grade and would really rather have died than have dated someone at that time in my life. He is married now. 
I have only ever had two other crushes in my life, both of which were stupid because both of them were assholes.

36. Where is your favorite place to go out and eat?
I really like Finley's which I do believe is only a Michigan restaurant. 

37. Give me an unpopular opinion you have.
 I have so many unpopular opinions that it is unbelievable. One that I can remember off the top of my head is that I will never understand why people make fun of others for being more educated than themselves. 

38. Describe a person that inspires you.
Someone who is not afraid to be different.  

39. If you could earn minimum wage doing what you love, would you? 
Definitely.

40. Describe the last time you were very angry at someone.
Today. I do not have to describe anything I do not want to. 

41. Where would you prefer to live? A city? The suburbs? The countryside? The mountains?
I think it would be neat to live in a city. 

42. Where is "home" for you?
Oz. 

43. Where do you and your friends go to hang out?
I really do not hang out with people.

44. Have you ever been bullied? Have you ever bullied anyone else?
Yes and no. 

45. Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends?
 YES. Most of my guy friends are gay so it is possible. But I talk to guys all of the time and have never had the thought  I was going to get married to one of them. Lol.

46. What are the 6 songs you listen to the most?
I change what songs I listen to all of the time. Right now my top 6;
If I Had a Heart- Fever Ray
Out of Sight Out of Mind- ATOTC the Musical 
Death Rides a Horse theme- Ennio Morricone
Reach- S Club 7
Slow Love Slow- Nightwish
Caged- Within Temptation

47. If you could meet anyone on earth, who would it be?
Only one person? This is hard! I would love to meet Helena Bonham Carter though. Or Vienna Teng. Just to see how their minds work. I can't choose!!! 

48. What is your favorite blog currently?
I follow a lot of blogs so if I am following you then obviously I like what you have to say and you are one of my favorites. =)

49. What's the farthest you've ever been from home?
I would say either California or Florida.

50. What's the one thing you're afraid of?  
I don't tell people what I am afraid of. They can use it against you.